Food and Sex

I finally got it!
A passion came over me!
It happened as I throttled a bunch of kale into submission, as I wrestled a still unidentifiable mass of crimson hued greens into a pile (rough chop my ass) this was war!  The garlic (I used pre chopped.  Boo hiss, boo hiss)  hit the well oiled pan with an angry hiss as if  the Foodie Gods were channeling their disappointment through fragrant cloves.  Like I said this was not a moment to be worrying about redemption.  I turned away from the hissing and covered the angry outcry with a pile of greens torn asunder by knife and hand.  That silenced the nervy chorus.
Cooking is alchemy.  Magic.  Therapy.
I have made greens (dandelion, collard, spinach, chard, kale) many times.  I love them, my loved ones love them and frankly they are a breeze to make.  The same recipe applies to most.  Heat some olive oil, throw in some garlic heat until the garlic is golden toss in the greens with some salt and red pepper (add the red pepper as much as you can stand and possibly more) cook until wilted, stems tender (when I’m really in Love I pull the leaves from the stems) they always turn out fabulous and are magnificently delicious.
By the time the kale was wilted I had wisely eaten a multi grain bagel with peanut butter and wild honey (please eat natural peanut butter) oh and if someone can come up with a way to stir natural peanut butter without making a mess I’ll marry you, or do things your significant other won’t to show my undying admiration and Wild Honey, do I need to say more?  I’m sure I will dedicate and entire blog to honey in the future.
But I digress…
This vegetable passion ala mania…Passion, mania, potato, patato it may all be the same thing was brought on by tree cleaning, limited parking and a full driveway.  I was so irritated by the time I got into my house that I decided the to cook ALL the vegetables that arrived this week in my CSA box.  I believe saying a “passion overcame me” is better then admitting I may have slightly dipped into the aforementioned mania.  You decide.
However, it was during the frenzied chopping, wilting, eating, sauteing, and complete absorption in my task that I realized what I would blog about.  People have said write about what you know.  I know about food and sex.  I’m sorry to be blunt but its the truth.  I have worked in both fields often times simultaneously for over 15 years.  I loved both and often admit that my two deadly sins are indeed gluttony and lust.  An idea was born over organic greens.
I didn’t stop there.
As my mood lightened I reached for two small but plump aubergines, a long and slightly obscene zucchini and a tender little bok choy just for fun.  Stop me!  But why?  Someone, a fellow hedonist, once said “nothing succeeds like excess,”  words to live…and die by my friends!  Why stop with the greens?  I had the means to make fabulous fried aubergine, a quick rinse of the pan, a slight amateurish chop of the bok choy made quick delicious work of my singular friend.  At that moment I was visited by my loved who stood watching as I feverishly flicked the bok choy around the pan…I think I may have asked…
“What do I do with the zucchini?”
Reply:  Fry it
And why not?
Why the hell not?  I was going to fry the aubergines and hell whats good for the nightshade is good for the squash…and so I began.
Let me just say that when someone fries something for you…please love them.  No seriously, love the hell out of them.  It is NO easy task.  Next to chopping beets (don’t get me started on beets) it is a messy, tedious, dangerous thing…not unlike walking the plank.  Instead of watery depths its scalding oil that awaits.
Here’s how I do it, how my Grandmother did it and strike me now if every time the first piece of aubergine or chicken hits the oil that I am not suddenly transported back through time to Nancy’s Italian Kitchen.  Here’s where the magic comes in.  It is not uncommon to time travel while you cook.
I slice the aubergines and zucchini super thin (this works with chicken) Pour flour in a zip lock back drop whatever doomed food item you wish into the flour (yes season the flour I use salt and Italian Seasoning or whatever strikes my fancy; lemon pepper, cayenne, some weird spices brought back from a Turkish spice market, whatever)
Shake it.  Love it.  Live it.
Scramble a couple of eggs…I season them to, why not?  Salt and pepper. Dump the floury contents into a container (preferably with a lid) with egg and again shake, shake, shake
Look you can totally use a bowl and two plates but a passion is a passion and I allowed it to direct me to the ziplock bags and believe me this was a wiser and quicker decision.  After the eggs dump the golden coated goodness into the breadcrumbs, do another quick sake and then make way for the oil bath.  Gently (now is not the time to dump or begin to question your motives) one by one place the coated goodies into the hot oil and watch the alchemy happen.  What started as one thing quickly turns to another without much help from you.
I like everything crispy…almost burnt.  Make a big decision here and weigh the pros and cons of golden brown or coming over to the dark side.  This is a matter of taste.
With no surprise my lover returns just as the first batch is coming out of its magical bath (feigning the return of some household item) I only nod and say something cruel like…”you cant leave until you taste one”
Yes its hot.  Its almost sadistic to make someone eat scalding hot fried zucchini but I allow for some quick breathing (a half hearted attempt to cool what is close to hell fire down)
“It needs a little more salt”
I reply with a glorious sprinkling of the white stuff over the still sizzling plate of veggies and hand another piece over and smile when they say “perfect.”
A wise man, (my Father) once said when commenting on my career choices, “You picked two good fields to work in.  People will always need to eat, and they will always need to have sex (he used a different word, but dropping an F bomb in my first blog seems slightly crass.)
He was right.