Erotic Romance Author Lex Valentine's Writing Is So Hot It Burns

 

I’m thrilled to have award winning, multipublished Author Lex Valentine as a guest on my column.  Her writing makes the heart pound, the pulse race, and the mind dream.  Lex Valentine is a writer whose craft is not limited to any one genre.  From vampires to dragons, to hetero action or steamy all male erotica, she is a gifted storyteller and wordsmith.

Erotic Romance Author Lex Valentine's Writing Is So Hot It Burns

My roast chicken...myself

I love roasted chicken.  For awhile I might have actually been addicted to it.  I have memories of sneaking over to the market and buying one of the already prepared birds at lunchtime and then snacking on it throughout the day.  One day a co-worker caught me...brown paper bag hidden under my desk and before i could hide it she said, "Do you really have an entire roast chicken at your desk!"
Guilty.
I also remember eating roasted chicken in the grocery store parking lot, but really that falls more under the heading of lust.
I do NOT have a roast chicken addiction...I will never admit it.  It has been forever since I overindulged in it and will only occasionally buy one for dinner when I just don't feel like cooking.
I must tell you that I have recently fallen even madly in love with Nigella Lawson, well MORE in love.  She is a passionate, curvaceous British TV cook who might just be the only other person in the world who shares such a passionate, if not slightly obscene lust for food as I do.
I am presently working me through her amazing, funny, informative cookbook, "How to Eat" and at times it does tend to nod it's head in the direction of food porn.  I'm not complaining and neither should you.  I recently read the passage about how to make a roasted chicken aloud to my sister who turned and asked me if it was porn.  I was titillated enough to embark on this journey if not for my own hedonistic needs then for my families hungry bellies.  I have no problem having scape goats to use as decoys for my culinary adventures.
At first, when I bought the bird my house was not in the mood for roast chicken and the poor baby sat for two days awaiting it's transformation.  I had bought shallots, garlic, lemon, tarragon and onions and red potatoes; all sat patiently waiting and greeted me each morning practically calling out in expectation.  I also read and re-read and read again the almost sinisterly simple recipe.  Surely I had missed something...
I did only buy 6 shallots when the recipe actually asked for 22 but I had the number six lodged in my brain and was sure this was the correct number, but being that Nigella does very little that isn't grand and abundant it was my bad.
So the day finally came when I was going to do the deed and I admit I read the recipe yet again.  I started the chicken at 4pm anointing with oil and sea salt and half of a juicy lemon went up the butt along with a bouillon cube.  I remember staring at it thinking; "this is so little seasoning, can this be right?"  I added an extra tablespoon of olive oil to the pan as I was instructed in the anticipation of making a chicken jus when the done.  I set a timer (something I have gotten in the habit of doing, it actually makes things MUCH easier) and went and watched a violently gross episode of Fringe while folding the weeks laundry.
About an hour in I went and tossed the shallots (unpeeled) and the cloves of two heads of garlic (again unpeeled) and whops I realized I had forgotten the tarragon so in that went as well.  Tarragon is a lovely herb, I have memories of eating a fragrant lamb and pea stew that my great aunt made every year and loving the flavor of the tarragon that she used to flavor it.  I need to cook more with it and was thrilled to be able to use the entire package in this dish.
I also had chopped up the potatoes and threw in a diced green pepper I had hanging about and half a white onion, added some olive oil, salt and pepper gave them a good shake in a sealed container an into the oven they went to meet their maker.  I did look at the chicken and was again unsure if it was going to turn out as I was hoping but I've learned with cooking there always tends to be a moment of doubt that one must push through.
This is similar I find to writing my first paragraph of the day, or making the first crepe.  It never quite turns out, but you end up pushing through it and eating it anyways.
So I closed the door and about half an hour later my house did indeed smell amazing.  Lemony, and full of tarragon.  Things could be worse.  As I watched someones brain leak out of their ears on tv I wondered if I would be able to pull off the jus, I am not the best at gravy.  I have been known to throw it down the sink and opt for the bottle of Heinz brown...I was hoping tonight would not turn out this way.
When there was about thirty minutes left of cooking time I went and threw some asparagus in a pan with some oil and a little sea salt and pepper and also squirted the other half of the lemon into the chicken pan and a little butter (well smart balance) but honestly you can't tell the difference.  The chicken had transformed I noticed it was golden brown and the smell of the shallots, garlic and the roasted potatoes was divine.  I was not going to mess up the gravy.
Finally when the timer on my microwave sounded and the episode of Fringe had ended I went and pulled the chicken from it's cozy home and was thrilled at how wonderful everything looked.  The skin of the chicken was so crisp it was almost like glass.  I let it rest for about 10 minutes and transferred it so I could work on the jus.  I put the roasting pan on the stove; added some white wine, a cup of hot water that I had dissolved another bouillon cube in, grabbed a wooden spoon and said a prayer.
Well, the jus thickened perfectly, not a gravy, but more a chickeny jus that tasted delicious.  The chicken was cooked to a turn; perfection!  Juicy, flavorful and practically falling off the bone.  Being that I cook for three and they can be picky, I was anxious but when my guy said "you can make this again,"  I knew I had hit it out of the park.
Dear Nigella, much love to you my dear, you are the queen of roasted chicken.
love,
an ever devoted roast chicken addict

The Lament of the Turkey

All presidential pardons aside…I am not a fan of carcasses lingering in my Frigidaire.  Thanksgiving has gone the way of the gobbler and yet I still had the turkey carcass staring back at me.  So let me tell you a few handy dandy things you can do with ALL the leftover turkey you may have…and any other bones you have in your fridge…not limited to your exes.
The first thing I do is make something I found in an issue of Martha Stewart Living years ago.  If you hate her get over it.  Her recipes have never let me down and there are certain issues (mostly Thanksgiving and Christmas) that are as dear to me, if not more, than certain family members.  One Thanksgiving issue saw me through a 30+ person sit down that ended with me pouring a homemade stock down the sink by accident…At that point I closed the beloved tome and half screamed to a nearby Lesbian to go to the market and buy a jar of Heinz Brown and lets move on…
So the recipe is quite lovely and delicious, I believe it is called “Leftover Pie,” and actually quite ingenious and something not only family but friends and co-workers insist I make every year…so I do.
Butter a pie plate, casserole dish, what have you and layer in your leftover stuffing which will serve as a crust to your pie.  Then add some turkey, break out that carcass and get ripping folks, treat it like someone you hate and we’ll all get through this together.
Once you have the turkey down, add whatever veggies you may have leftover.  This year consisted of brussels sprouts and corn.  I don’t really want to write this but…leave the butternut squash puree out, but you already know that.
I then top this with left over gravy and then as a top to your pie add mashed potatoes.  I know you have a ton left over and they may possibly haunt you as much as that turkey carcass so here’s your chance to take control…add til your little hearts content.
Pop that baby in the oven and let it go until you see the gravy bubbling.  You can even toss it under the broiler for a few to crisp up the topping.  When its done, slam the left over cranberry sauce down on the table and get to work.
It’s a big delicious job…please be careful.
Oh did you make a ham as well?  You did?  Me to!  The ham bone is still in the fridge, you’ve made ham and eggs, you’ve made ham sandwiches, you’ve done it all…I hear you.  This does not include the ham casserole you made or the scalloped ham and potatoes either…I’m gonna share with you a secret…time to make split pea soup with that ham bone.
Don’t panic, it’s so easy it’s almost painful.  But like most things it’s worth the pain…so here is a link to a simple and possibly flawless pea soup:
http://www.food.com/recipe/split-pea-soup-best-pea-soup-ever-83287
So wonderful topped with croutons, sour cream or my favorite a little sherry…I am a split pea fan and may people aren’t…too bad for them.
Ok…Ham bone is gone, but that turkey is still there…Time for pot pie…excuse me while I drool. Pot pie be the most perfect food. In fact I’m often saying that if I fall unconscious, please for goodness sake, feed me potpie! Skip the mouth to mouth. here’s my favorite recipe, again so easy and delicious:
http://www.food.com/recipe/turkey-pot-pie-45070
I’m often told to make two pies as one is never enough…I have yet to indulge these demands. You however, may make as many as your hungry brood demands.
Dark meat needs love to: While making any of these dishes feel free to break off a turkey leg throw it on some foil and bake it. Let it get crispy and lovely and gosh darn it your even closer to being completely done with the turkey!
So here it is the final decree, the lament, the requiem of the turkey: Turkey Noodle Soup!
I have a confession: I’m terrified of making soup, stuffing and pie crust. Let me explain; stuffing is relatively simple but people are so attached to it that it practically begs disappointment. It’s the holy grail of T-Day and if you mess it up Hell will yawn before you. Luckily I have to mess it up but do I still occasionally here, “the stuffing is good, but do you remember the time you added dried apricots?
Soup is whole other ballgame. It is alchemy. I know alchemists and I know they would all agree that soup is alchemy. No, it’s not a sorcerer’s stone, but it might as well be. All these raw materials commune to create something else, the fundamental of alchemy is this, at least in my overly simplified explanation.
Again, I have yet to make a terrible soup. This year in particular I have made a spicy carrot and harissa soup, a vichyssoise that was delightful, a borscht to die for and the above mentioned split pea soup that is just back of the spoon licking good.
So why fear the brew? I have no idea to be honest, yes its the alchemy of it, but I’m also always worried it will be somehow flavorless. However, the more I do it, the more you get the idea that really there is no distinct way to ruin soup…
But I digress…
Turkey noodle soup to the rescue. People, this is in fact the best way to send the bird to bed. Granted, a scented, yummy bed but bed just the same, as I write this my house is filling with the aroma of turkey soup, my stock bubbles and I am already imagining the crusty bread that I will certainly eat with a big bowl of the stuff.
>Here’s the recipe I use:
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1639,146162-253193,00.html
So there you have it. It’s done it’s over, alls well that ends well, as a famous poet once said, “let be be finale of seem,” and I bid you farewell, my soup is calling.